You Might Be a Texan if…

Not everyone is fortunate enough to be born a Texan. Some people go to a lot of trouble to become naturalized Texans, though. Hence this column.

So how do you tell if you’ve made it? Here are some of the criteria.

You might be a Texan if

* You would rather be whipped than give up your pickup truck.

* You have a gun and know how to use it. And nobody’s gonna take it away!

* You know the start and end dates of duck season, dove season, and deer season (hunting, that is).

* You consider driving (fast!) to be a right, not a privilege.

* You know what mineral rights are and would never buy land without them. (Oil royalties! Yeehaw!)

* You can ride a horse western style, and you don’t even remember learning how.

* You know where Big Thicket, Palo Duro, Pecos, the Valley, the Island, and Hippie Hollow are.

* You are addicted to Dr Pepper.

* You know what “Remember Goliad!” means.

* You keep a loaded shotgun in your closet to shoot rattlesnakes and water moccasins in your backyard.

* You can name the five biggest rivers in Texas off the top of your head.

* You often use the following words or phrases: andale, que pasa? (or que paso’?), cerveza, chalupa, tostada, cabrito, quinceanaria. (Points are subtracted, however, if you don’t say ‘em right.)

* You know where the Marfa Lights are (and what they are).

* You drink Shiner Bock longnecks.

* You would much rather live in Austin if you could find a decent job there.

* You know where the Guadalupe Mountains, the Llano Estacado, the Golden Triangle, George West, Nacogdoches, Possum Kingdom, and the King Ranch are.

* You know who The Raven was—and what all he did.

If you are still studying to be a naturalized Texan, consider that a pop quiz. Checking the answers is your homework.

The rest of y’all, just stay tuned. Eventually you’ll probably find all the answers here… Eventually. Maybe.

Meanwhile, be sweet!