All Hat and No Cattle

All hat and no cattle is a Texas expression used to describe someone who is all show and no substance. There’s always been a lot of that going around, but I’m here today to talk about hats.

Here’s the deal. I keep seeing these so-called “country singers” wearing cowboy hats (so you won’t think they’re from LA or Boston, I guess) while performing on stage. In a theater. Indoors!

Except while riding in a rodeo, no real cowboy would do that. No old-time Texan would do that, for sure. Cowboy hats are for outdoors. They are designed to keep out the rain, make a little shade, and keep your head warm when a blue norther blows in.

Keeping your hat on indoors is considered rude. If you go to a cafe in rural Texas, you’ll see a hat rack near the door. Watch, and you’ll see the local ranchers, the sheriff’s deputies, and the Border Patrol officers take off their hats when they come in. They hang their hats on the rack till they leave.

Bum Phillips, beloved long-time coach of the Houston Oilers, was asked by a reporter why he never wore his trademark Stetson during football games in the Astrodome. As best I recall, Bum said, “Because there’s a roof on it. My Mama taught me not to wear my hat in the house.” He seemed a little surprised by the question.

And the silly-looking Rodeo Cowboy Association hats that those so-called C&W singers wear? Those are not Texas hats!

Too narrow and curly in the brim, those hats would never keep out enough sun or rain while working outdoors. And they’re too tall and pointy in the crown. They just look wrong.

They always look too big, too, like they’re being supported by the wearer’s ears. The performers look like little boys wearing their daddies’s hats.

But not Texas hats. That’s for sure.