Usually the only fans of cactus (besides artists and environmentalists) are ranchers in desert areas, where in really bad droughts they sometimes have to burn the needles off prickly pear cactus with flamethrowers so the cattle can eat them. That makes prickly pear valuable to them, I guess.

That practice led Texas A&M University ag researchers to develop a spineless prickly pear, but it still has those little tiny stickers that get into your skin and drive you crazy. (Ask me how I know.)

Of course, some cacti make really pretty flowers—when they bloom, which is not often. And there are people to go to the trouble to pick the prickly pear fruit (which is not prickly itself) and make jelly out of it, if you can imagine.

Not only that, but in Mexico people peel the spiny outer skin off prickly pear pads (the paddle-like “leaves”) and eat them as a vegetable. Around here you can buy them in grocery stores. They are called nopales or nopalitos. Apparently nopal, or prickly pear, plays a big part in the cuisine of northern Mexico. So I guess it must be tasty.

But imagine my surprise when it turns out that the fruit of the prickly pear or Nopal cactus (Opuntia ficus indica) is full of some kind of rare antioxidants called betalains that can detoxify the body and relieve pain by helping the body reduce inflammation. I mean, who knew?

So now there’s this drink called Nopalea (No-pah lay’uh), made from Nopal cactus fruit. It turns out that the native peoples of northern Mexico have known about the health benefits of Nopal cactus for centuries,  but I guess no Anglos paid any attention to them.

But then doctors discovered that inflammation is a major cause of pain and other problems, and somebody scientifically proved that those betalain antioxidants reduce inflammation. So now prickly pear (Nopal) cactus is a big deal.

And now all those good effects the ancient peoples of Mexico discovered are available in 32-oz bottles of Nopalea, which is made by a 12-year-old company called Trivita. (You can try this stuff for free if you call 1-800-203-7063 and pay $9.95 for shipping.)

They say Nopalea helps your body neutralize its inner toxins and reduce its inflammation, which—along with health problems related to it—is a major source of pain for many people. Inflammation can cause problems with muscles, joints, respiratory system, arteries, digestive tract, and other cells in the body. When you drink Nopalea daily it apparently helps your body reduce inflammation, clean out toxins, and just…feel better.

So hurray for prickly pear! Who knew? Oh, yeah, millions of people over the centuries. And why weren’t we Anglos listening to them? Like we know so much.

Just goes to show….we are not all as smart as we think we are. And modern is not always best. Just like my grandmother used to say.

iPad 2 with 64 GB memory and G4 (not just wireless). All the cool kids have them, and I want one.

iPhone 5—or whatever the latest and greatest is these days.

17-inch MacBook Pro w. maxed out RAM & huge hard drive. Mine is great, but 3 years old. That’s ancient in computer years.

So much for the practical things. Now for the real Santa (fantasy) items:

Really huge, huge house in the Hill Country where I could have bunches of house guests and give super duper parties that last for days.

Pistachio farm. I just can’t get enough of those things. Seems like a good idea to own the source.

Herd of mustangs. If I had a big enough piece of land, I would just adopt some of those wild horses the government is always rounding up, and then turn them loose on my land to roam free. Watch ‘em out the windows with binoculars. Wouldn’t  that be a pretty sight?

Ranch in Central Texas...to put the mustangs on.

Now back to real life.

Never let it be said that Texans don’t like a bargain. We may talk all high, wide and handsome in public, but anytime we can save a buck, we will. After all, there is always plenty of other good stuff to spend that saved buck on.

So with Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, New Years, football parties and what-not to prepare for at this time of year, we are ready to save cash these days whenever possible. We need it to buy all the items on other people’s wish lists.

So what do we do? We go find coupons at Savings.com, so we can save a lot on things like perfume and other good, gifty things. And you should, too.

There are always other things to do besides shopping for glasses. And some of us, truth to tell, are a little vain. We don’t like to admit we need glasses, and we hate to shop for them.

All the male Texans and many of the female Texans that I know just hate to shop in malls. Many hate shopping at all and avoid it whenever possible. They hate the traffic and the crowds, especially this time of year, and they would just plain rather be doing something else.

Sometimes, though, you just have to bite the bullet and get those new glasses. One thing you can avoid is going to malls—or driving through traffic and waiting in crowds.

An outfit called Zenni Optical offers high-quality, durable, stylish (really) eyeglasses, sold direct from their factory, and they sell them on line. So you save a ton of money and time that you can use to do other, more fun things.

You know you need them, and with those good new glasses you won’t keep missing the tricky plays on the football field or basketball court. If you’re a hunter, good vision is a matter of safety as well as fun. And with good vision, you can work with power tools or do fine handwork more accurately and safely.

And you’ll just plain look better. No more squinting at labels or street signs. Yes, you know you do that, too.

Just order on line, and have great-looking, cheap eyeglasses delivered right to you. I don’t know about you, but that looks like a really good plan to me.

Most of the time Texans just roll along. There are country folks and city people, often in the same family. There are ranchers and astronauts, oilmen and artists, farm workers, doctors, retailers, restauranteurs, car dealers and drug dealers. You know, just folks.

Even the politics used to roll along, like religion, in the middle of the road. But nowadays we have crazies climbing out of the crawl spaces. It’s like an infestation.

And it’s just plain embarrassing.

Not to be political, but science is science. It is not a matter of opinion. I mean scientists debate facts all the time, but they have years of study on which to base opinions. They are not just making up stuff and calling it fact.

Things are not true just because somebody wishes they were. I think we used to know that.

Anyway, lately it has gotten really embarrassing to be a Texan when talking to people from more mainstream states and countries.

Sam Houston  must be rolling in his grave. 

Image via Wikipedia

Texans tend to like to think of ourselves as movers and shakers, but we do not generally like to move. But sometimes you just have to.

When you’re young, and you don’t have much stuff, it’s pretty easy to get some friends together with some kind of bribe: barbeque, beer, promises of favors in return, or whatever. Once you really grow up, though, you have to hire movers.

Some of us just go down to the local day labor corner and hire some guys who seem nice, but most of us want real movers in Texas. Why hire some foreign (from outside Texas) outfit, when you can hire a real Texas moving company? That’s our attitude.

I mean if you’re moving to a bigger mansion in Big D (Dallas, that is), do you want to roll up with First Interstate Fly-by-Night Movers, or do you want a truck that says Texas Stars Movers?

Oh, and of course, we do not want to pay much for the move. So how do you save money on Dallas movers? Well, I’m fixing to tell you. You check with Billy.

In Austin, on the other hand, you want to look understated, cool, laid back. Ideally your Austin movers ought to be hippie types with master’s degrees in arcane topics like medieval German poetry and who move people as a day job while playing Texas country folk rock at night.

How do you find these paragons among Austin moving companies? Well, you could call up all the moving companies in the Austin phone book and ask if they ever sat in with the Austin Lounge Lizards.

Or you could check with cousin Billy. It’s your choice really, but I’d go with Billy’s Austin movers.

See you at South by Southwest.

1. Many of the people who moved to what is now Texas in the  1820s and 1830s were illegal aliens from the United States who sneaked into what was then the northernmost state of Mexico. That includes some of my ancestors.

2. Texas was originally much bigger. Right after the Texas Revolution (1836) it included parts of several other future states and extended all the way up to Idaho. Texans have never forgotten!

3. For 9 years Texans had our own independent country, the Republic of Texas. One of the first things they did was expel the Indians. How mean was that?!

4. The Republic of Texas legally reserved the right to secede when it joined the United States in 1845. Our, uh, esteemed (or steamed?) governor apparently remembers that—if nothing else. He does not seem to remember how badly things turned out when we last tested that theory in 1861. (Hint: Civil War. Confederacy. ‘nough said.)

5. People like guns here—even non-Texans who just live here. I mean, people really, really like guns here. So be real careful who you get mad at you.

6. Hunting is sort of a sacrament—right after football and pickup trucks. A lot of people just plain like to kill things. They consider hunting and killing things a God-given right.

7. Right up through the Viet Nam war, Texas had contributed the most soldiers to every single U.S. war since the Texas Revolution. We might still hold that record; I just haven’t checked lately.

8. Texans love to drive—fast—and consider it a God-given right to do so, like…well, like hunting and like carrying a gun.

9. We love our state, consider it unique, and take great pride in being Texans. “Don’t mess with Texas!” Yes, that phrase was coined to stop littering, but it stuck around because it expressed something primal about us.

10. There are a lot of smart people, a lot of dumb people, a lot of mean people, and a lot of crazy people in Texas. Unfortunately some of the folks in charge fall into all four groups. Doesn’t that just explain a whole lot about certain political events in recent years? Yeah, I thought so, too.

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So how do you tell if you’ve made it? Here are some of the criteria.

You might be a Texan if

* You would rather be whipped than give up your pickup truck.

* You have a gun and know how to use it. And nobody’s gonna take it away!

* You know the start and end dates of duck season, dove season, and deer season (hunting, that is).

* You consider driving (fast!) to be a right, not a privilege.

* You know what mineral rights are and would never buy land without them. (Oil royalties! Yeehaw!)

* You can ride a horse western style, and you don’t even remember learning how.

* You know where Big Thicket, Palo Duro, Pecos, the Valley, the Island, and Hippie Hollow are.

* You are addicted to Dr Pepper.

* You know what “Remember Goliad!” means.

* You keep a loaded shotgun in your closet to shoot rattlesnakes and water moccasins in your backyard.

* You can name the five biggest rivers in Texas off the top of your head.

* You often use the following words or phrases: andale, que pasa? (or que paso’?), cerveza, chalupa, tostada, cabrito, quinceanaria. (Points are subtracted, however, if you don’t say ‘em right.)

* You know where the Marfa Lights are (and what they are).

* You drink Shiner Bock longnecks.

* You would much rather live in Austin if you could find a decent job there.

* You know where the Guadalupe Mountains, the Llano Estacado, the Golden Triangle, George West, Nacogdoches, Possum Kingdom, and the King Ranch are.

* You know who The Raven was—and what all he did.

If you are still studying to be a naturalized Texan, consider that a pop quiz. Checking the answers is your homework.

The rest of y’all, just stay tuned. Eventually you’ll probably find all the answers here… Eventually. Maybe.

Meanwhile, be sweet!