Dogs are a big thing in Texas, especially in the country, where everybody tends to have at least one dog as a watchdog. And often there are two or three, because some are hunting dogs.

The first dog I ever had was a solid brown medium-size mutt with a black stripe down his back. I named him Tippy.

The name came from the first puppy I picked from his litter, a light brown and white spotted puppy with a white tip on his tail. The first Tippy got run over by a car before he was old enough to leave his mother, so Daddy picked another pup, but we still called him Tippy.

Tippy must have had a wide variety of ancestors. His mother appeared to be all or mostly leopard, a breed of hunting dog with gray fur and pale blue eyes. Sort of rare. 

None of the puppies looked like her, though, and none of them looked like any other particular breed. Daddy used to say that Tippy was “leopard and Heinz” (after the food brand Heinz, which used to claim to have “57 varieties”).

Tippy was a bold little pup. He did not like the boys who put the groceries in the car at the grocery store—or much of anyone else besides our family. When he grew up, he was a great watch dog.

Meanwhile, though, when he was little, he needed training. Although I was encouraged to play with him, Daddy had a saying that I used to hear a lot. “Don’t tease ‘im, you’ll make ‘im mean.”

Funny how these things stick with you. I use that expression now for dealing with certain people and organizations that you just can’t tease, or kid around with, or argue with. 

You have to be very careful with some people and groups about what you say and do—or they can turn on you like a snake. And they may have the power to make your life miserable in some way. They may be touchy relatives, or government bureaucrats, or….you fill in the blanks. I know you know what I mean.

But now maybe when you are dealing with one of these hard-to-deal-with types, you will remember what my Daddy used to say about raising puppies. It’s good advice, and nobody else will know why you’re smiling. It’ll be just between us, OK?

So whenever you are engaged in delicate negotiations with a person or group who seem like kind of an unpredictable force of nature, remember what Daddy used to say.

“Don’t tease ‘em, you’ll make ‘em mean.” And you’ll do just fine.

After all this talk about armadillos, I got to thinking you might want to see some Texas wildlife. So I’ve added a collection of videos of some Texas animals.

I think you’ll enjoy it, but let me know. I may add sections for specific animals…like armadillos, for example, and horned toads. Anyway, there’s a new section in the right-hand column (if you scroll way down), called Texas Videos. Expect it to grow, so check back often.

Also, I think I’ll be adding videos on Texas landmarks like the Alamo and natural features like Palo Duro Canyon, the Guadalupe Mountains, Big Bend, Big Thicket, and so on. You can’t properly talk like a Texan unless you know what those are.

Let me know what you else would like to see.

By the way, the first two words in the title of this post, “want to” are pronounced as one word, “wanna.” Just so you know.

In Texas English a person who would lie when the truth fits better is a habitual liar. This may be either a person who lies for the fun of it or one who just pathologically cannot tell the truth.

Often it’s just someone with no conscience who takes advantage of the fact that most people in our society are generally honest. If we weren’t, business—and society as we know it—would collapse.

Anyway, you know the type. They will tell you that it’s clear and sunny when you are just about to step outside into a downpour. They’ll tell you the sun is shining at midnight in the winter. In other words, they will lie even when the truth is sure to be found out sooner or later.

It’s like they can’t help themselves. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t dangerous. Some of them are sociopaths, people who literally have no conscience. They may swindle you out of a lot of money or property, endanger your life, or generally cause you unmitigated grief.

Worse, some of them get control of giant corporations or even whole governments, where they can do all kinds of damage to millions of people. Very scary. I’m sure you know what I mean. I guess we can all think of someone who would lie when the truth fits better.

And that’s no lie.

The saying “That dog won’t hunt” was made famous by the late Gov. Ann Richards. Apparently the expression was considered pretty exotic by some, but it’s just plain obvious if you grew up around bird hunters on the Gulf Coast of Texas.

You see, the season for duck and goose hunting is in the cold, wet part of the winter and waterbirds hang out in marshes. Yes, it does get cold down here, sort of. The wind off the marshes cuts like a knife!

So even with rubber waders on, you really don’t want to go pick up the dead birds yourself. And if you were to step down into a deep place, well, endless misery would ensue if you were way out in the marsh in the cold. You do not want water in your waders!

If you’re any kind of a duck hunter at all, you have—or borrow—a good bird dog to take hunting.

The only problem is that not all dogs can be used for hunting, even among the hunting breeds—especially since many of the great old hunting dog breeds have become popular as pets. Once a dog breed becomes popular, people start breeding them to be calm and lethargic and lie around the house.

People buy what should be high-energy, hyperactive hunting dogs and then want them to not require much exercise, not chew up the furniture, not dig up the backyard, and not tear the shingles off the garage. The problem is that dogs like that tend to be not so much interested in hunting.

Some dogs are gun shy (even with training). Some can’t be cured of the habit of chewing on the birds. Some just don’t have the hunting sense to see the bird fall after a shot is fired, go get the bird, and bring it back to the boat or duck blind. They just want to go home where it’s warm.

So even people who breed hunting dogs to be used as hunting dogs can’t count on all the dogs in each litter to be trainable for hunting. Some dogs just won’t hunt.

Hence the expression, “That dog won’t hunt!” when somebody tries to pass off a statement as fact that clearly is false. It means they aren’t going to get away with it. It’s as obvious and as useless as a Labrador retriever that can’t swim. And that’s pretty doggone bad.

To talk like a Texan, you have to talk football. In fact, if you’re in Texas between August and the Superbowl, you pretty much have to.

Didn’t anyone tell you that in Texas football is almost everybody’s second religion? If you live in a small, rural town, everybody knows your car, where you live, and what church you go to (or if you don’t). If you don’t show up for church, people know you weren’t there. And someone probably saw your car, so they probably know where you were.

Well, the local Friday night high school football game is almost the same. What’s the matter with you, don’t you support The Team? So where were you? (Hint: Better have a pretty good excuse.)

And if you have kids, for a few years you probably also have to take them to the junior high and/or junior varsity games on Thursday nights during the season. Either to play or to see their friends. It’s almost a required course.

In the cities it’s a little different. The high school games are required only if you have to take your kids. The schools are large, and nobody looks for your car.

But in town, if you go to someone’s house on a weekend, there’s college football to watch (and endlessly discuss) on Saturday afternoon and professional games on Sunday. There are parties for playoffs and bowl games. And a big party for the Superbowl. “Hey, any more Shiner Bock in there? We’re out of guacamole, too.”

And then there’s Monday night football for the real diehards. (Don’t let on if you’re sick of football by then.)

Meanwhile at the office and everywhere else, there’s likely to be way too much talk about football. So be forewarned: You’d better know a touchback from a fullback if you want to fit in.

“You’ll have to get happy in the same pants you got mad in,” is an expression from West Texas, specifically from my friend Bob Clark’s mom in Lubbock. Bob’s wife, Lyn, who is from Wyoming and Pennsylvania, just considers it totally weird.

It’s a variety of an expression I grew up hearing from my aunt Angie down in Galveston County. If you told her that someone was mad, she would often say, “Well, if they’re mad, they’ve got the same clothes to get glad in.” I like her version better, of course. It rhymes.

Both versions of this expression mean that the person who is angry will just have to get over it all by themselves. You know how someone just gets in a snit, and it has really nothing to do with anything that you did or said, so you can’t fix it? There’s nothing you can say or do; they just have to get over it, all on their own.

Of course, this Texas expression (in both versions) also can be callous or downright nasty. It can be used by someone who has done something truly horrible to mean, “I don’t care if you are mad. That’s your problem, not mine!”

So it can be used in a healthy way, a passive aggressive way, or even to be downright mean. But then, can’t just about everything?

If it’s not the mange, it’s the fleas is one of those cynical sort of sayings. It means “If it’s not one thing, it’s another.” So that’s pretty obvious, I guess, but here’s what’s fun about it.

I learned it from my dainty little ballet teacher, Anita Dyche-Yezer, who grew up in Alvin, Texas, and never forgot her roots. Anita had danced all over the world with the Ballet Rousses, as a principal dancer with the National Ballet of Washington (DC), and as a guest performer with some of the legendary greats of ballet.

After she retired to Houston, Anita became known as an amazing (and demanding) teacher. Professional dancers from Texas sought her out to help them break bad dance habits, reshape their bodies, and advance their careers.

It worked, too. I watched it happen. But they had to be willing to work extremely hard and do exactly as they were told.

Being a ballet dancer is hard, hard work that never ends. As soon as you fix one weakness or bad habit, another crops up. So this saying perfectly describes the constant battle all dancers and all dance students must fight daily—and expresses it with a down home Texas twang.